The first way to become a better listener is to listen to learn – don’t listen to be polite. Listen from a place of curiosity about generosity. In fact, learn about the person talking and less time listening to think of an opportunity to speak. Truly understand first. True dialogue doesn’t happen when we pretend to listen and it certainly can’t happen if we’re not listening at all and only preparing to speak. If you ever finished a conversation and learned nothing surprising you truly weren’t listening in the first place.
The second point is that of quieting your own agenda. To really listen to somebody else is trying to say we need information that is dis-confirming to our own agenda not confirming it. We need to think about what the other person is saying so that we can better understand what it is they’re trying to present not looking for other things that they’re saying that we confirm our own agenda.
We can do this by asking more questions. The more questions we ask the more answers we can receive.When you put yourself in this place you take yourself out of authority in the situation and created a situation where they’re the ones that are in control. When you ask questions, you create a safe space for other people to give you an unvarnished truth.
Another things you will want to focus on is your talk versus you’re listening ratio. Pay attention to your talk/listening ratio. Strive for a 2:1 ratio of listening/ talking. If you can talk for a minute then listen for two minutes. This allows the other person to know how important they are to you. This will in return also allow you to better understand their heart in the situation.
An easy way to do this is repeat what you’ve heard. This is also called active listening. Repeat back to the speaker exactly what you heard. You can do it identical to what they just said, but then you sound like a silly parrot.
If I were to say, “The other day I went and I talked to Mary about grocery shopping list. She told me what she was going to get.”
A way to actively listen…
“So you’re telling me that Mary told you what she was picking up at the grocery store yesterday when you talk to her?”
It’s good if the speaker agrees with what you heard. Then she/he feels validated that you are listening and you can move forward in the conversation. If not, the speaker would need to reiterate what their statement to the listener really was.
Another key thing is that most people do not to wait until the other person is done talking. We live in a culture and society here in America in which we always talk over one another in such a way nobody actually finishes a full thought or sentence. Therefore, there is no clear communication. Actually wait until someone is done talking before you choose to respond to them. The most difficult aspect of listening effectively is waiting for the end of a sentence before formulating a reply.
If you work on these few six steps of becoming a better listener you will see a massive improvement in communication skills that you have with family, friends, and co-workers.
As an author and speaker, Chad Nedland ministers as God leads. Teaching of the fullness of a life with God and edifying the body of Christ is his life’s definite purpose.
His greatest passion is encouraging and challenging other believers to walk in the fullness of their calling and identity in Christ. His goal is to never have a conversation or interaction with someone that does not change something within them, drawing them closer to God.